It’s not you, it’s me
I know that’s supposed to be the thing people say to avoid the truth, but I’m beginning to think people understand themselves better than we give them credit for.
I know it seems like we have drifted apart in recent weeks. We’ve been so accustomed to that constant contact, our daily connection to check in.
And the harder part to say is- I can’t apologize for it. I’d like to be able to say I’m sorry, and have everything be different tomorrow. But this isn’t an accident or an oversight. It’s my choice. And I don’t love what this choice has to mean, but I am committed to it.
I have so much to fill my days right now. I have dreams I am dreaming, chasing- and I think, that through all of this work, my pace is quickening and the horizon glimmers closer. And I can’t quit now.
But I miss you.
You’re the reason I’m able to do this. You’re the home I venture away from and you’re the foreign lands I leave to explore. We are so close, intimate, interwoven, and yet you surprise me constantly. You help me understand myself. You help me become myself.
Together we are powerful and unstoppable. You make me laugh in the most unlikely situations. You give me permission to cry- whenever, wherever.
And so I know we will be okay. Time, space- they don’t matter to us. We don’t have to show ourselves around in public to feel validated. We don’t have to feel guilty that what we have isn’t like what everybody else has. All I need is a few stolen moments at home, lying still, breathing.
And like the other thing people say, even when we’re not together, we are. Every moment of focus, every moment of surrender, every moment of clarity- it’s you. Every time I have hit the ground and stand back up, and every time I hit the ground and choose to stay down just a moment to rest, your voice is in my ear.
You stretch me. You push and pull me until I feel balanced. You buoy me up into the clouds, you anchor me firmly to the earth. You show me fear and you help me move beyond it. You give me the chance to feel joy in every cell.
And that’s how I know we are going to be fine. Something will shift in the circumstances. It always does. And there you’ll be- steady, sturdy, like a great tree.
You are love.